Goodbyes

Friday^20th June was a milestone day – Freddie’s last ever day at school. With all exams and accreditations now finished, the Year 11s were released into the wild. It was a very emotional day for Freddie. He cried all the way to school in the taxi, and all through the Leaver’s Assembly. He was acutely aware that this was his last ever day in school, and that all the people there he has forged relationships with over the last few years would no longer be a part of his life.

It was a very emotional day for me too, knowing that Freddie had been upset enough to cry (which he rarely does), but had not been able to say beforehand how bad he was feeling about leaving school. His receptive language skills are much better than his expressive language skills. He understands and feels so much more than he can let on. It is all too easy for others to dismiss him, to assume he doesn’t understand situations, other people, feelings and emotions; to assume he doesn’t feel things like love, friendship, gratitude, embarrassment or shame. But he does.

He just can’t put them into words.

Freddie is good at forming relationships with the people around him, especially those who are a regular part of his everyday life. These relationships are very important to him, and when someone he has built a rapport with leaves his life for any reason – transport teams change, he moves school, someone moves away, or dies, he doesn’t just shrug his shoulders and forget them. He still thinks about them, and he feels their absence: he misses them. He just struggles to say so. Sometimes I think he tries to talk about the people he misses and is thinking of but can’t formulate in his mind exactly what it is he wants to say, so I struggle to understand what he’s getting at which is frustrating for both of us.

It was an emotional day for me for another reason too, one that is all my own. Past experiences, and lifelong anxiety, mean that I find it very difficult to trust other people. So, when we do have people in our lives with whom I have been able to build a fragile sense of confidence and trust, I find it very hard to say goodbye.