Would you apologise too?

It felt like the bus had barely left home when the phone rang. I recognised the number right away.

An unexpected change. Someone in his classroom that he wasn’t expecting. My child couldn’t cope. A staff member got hurt.

Of course the first thing I said was..

“I’m sorry.”

Not that I was to blame. Not that I was even there. Not that my child even had the communication to express his distress any other way.

But I still apologised.

Would you have apologised too?

A few days later I was out with my son. We passed a bakery and I knew he’d enjoy choosing a savoury treat so I took him in. He was excited and keen to see what they had and in doing so he appeared to be cutting the queue. I called him back and guided him to join the queue but having profound learning disabilities and autism he found the waiting difficult so he made distressed anxious noises. Others in the queue looked at us with concern.

There was only one thing I felt I could say.

“I’m sorry.”

I felt I had to justify his behaviour when he was only being himself. He isn’t any less than anyone else but still I felt I had to apologise that he was different.

Would you have apologised too?

Later that week I took him to church with me, a church where he’d never been before and therefore we were guests.

He only has two recognisable words at age 17. He flapped and rocked through the music then randomly in the quietness of the preaching he loudly vocalised one of the only words he knows, ‘mummy.’ It caught the preacher off guard, made them pause and they lost track of what they were saying momentarily. I couldn’t have predicted my son would do that, nor could I prevent it happening again.

As soon as that service was over I spoke to that preacher and of course the first thing I said was,

“I’m sorry.”

It felt awkward, embarrassing, but I also felt guilty. Should I really be apologising when my son is only being himself? When he hasn’t got the mental capacity to understand social situations or have the ability to confirm to social norms?

Would you have apologised too?

I’m doing my best to raise my son to be respectful, responsible and kind but every one of those concepts are things he might never understand. He’s not deliberately hurting or upsetting or disturbing others. He’s just simply learning and trying to make sense of a world that is very confusing and distressing for him at times. His mental age is a tiny fraction of his physical age and always will be.

Yet somehow all too often I still find myself saying “I’m sorry.”

Would you still be apologising too?