Two different parenting journeys- reflection, coping and new experiences.

I’m going to sound cliché here and say something we’ve all heard before: parenting is one of the hardest but most rewarding things you will ever do. (for those that choose to anyway!)

I am now 8 months postpartum and feel like 37 going on 90.

In this world of parenting a child with complex health/severe disabilities we are no stranger to days of perpetual feeds and nappy changes, profound lack of sleep, never-ending laundry, and round the clock care.

It feels a bit like we have placed ourselves into a new hobby- extreme parenting. The juggling act is intense. I was told (countless times in fact) that it would be full on… I smiled and nodded, naively believing we got this. I mean.. we do “got this” but not quite in the way I was expecting!

Logistics has been one of the main challenges.

Amy is 11 and enjoys a very busy life filled with school, respite, hospice care, appointments and usual day to day stuff. The admin alone surrounding Amy’s care feels like a full time job in itself so when you add an extra child into the mix it’s a case of constantly standing staring at the family planner on the wall and working out who needs to be where and when, and do I need to arrange extra hands to help us.

Every day I oscillate between oh my goodness I’m so tired I could pass out, to absolutely overwhelmed with how much love I feel and how grateful I am to have my girls and Phil (and indeed everyone in my life). I feel like the lack of sleep intensifies these feelings, you can have high highs and low lows.

Sometimes the days feel long and you yearn for the next “developmental leap” hoping it will somehow be easier. I find with a “typical baby” the challenges remain just change whereas with Amy the challenges remain and often accumulate. It’s important to try and focus on the now, especially when I know I will look back and wish I had cherished those difficult days more.

Whilst life was chaotic before having Ella, it has shocked me how hard it is to simply eat a meal or wash my hair. I find myself missing my partner even though he’s right there. We are sort of a parenting team now each taking it in turns to ensure both kids needs are being met (whilst simulated fearing those needs aren’t being met and worrying we are failing in some way).

Baby Ella is what I affectionately refer to as a “velcro baby” in that she wants to be held.. day and night.

With her we have navigated reflux, milk allergy, and now strong attachment. I don’t see the attachment as a problem necessarily as we want to be with her as much as possible and be her safe space; however it does make it difficult to divide my attention evenly when Phil is at work.

I really hope that Amy knows that even though her little sister takes up a lot of attention that she’s still just as important as she has ever been. And I hope that Ella grows up feeling equally important too. I know there is always an element of jealousy or rivalry with siblings; it’s natural. I just hope we are able to navigate this tricky but magical journey in a way that ensures everyone has an enriched, fulfilling and happy life.

I have learned more than ever over the last 8 months just how important family is.

Not just blood related but those important lifelong connections you make along the way.

Having Ella has brought back a lot of unexpected feelings and reflection over how things were when Amy was born. It was an entirely different situation but I do wish I could go back knowing what I know now. I hope I was present and patient enough. I hope it wasn’t all too medical and therapy focused. I hope she knows that I gave my 100% even on the days I was struggling to function. I hope they both know now that I’m giving my 100%, even on days like today where I MIGHT have let Ms Rachel be present on the screen a little longer than what is deemed acceptable.

To all parents out there - solidarity! May your coffee be strong, your sleep be unbroken, and your hearts be full.