A Different Kind of, ‘All Touched Out’.
Nichola Norton
I am a mother to three beautiful boys. My middle son has a vision impairment and severe non verbal autism as well as other conditions. I enjoying w...
A phrase that doesn't quite cover all the feelings inside and out.
That phrase is, 'All touched out' .
I breastfed all three of my children for long periods of time, my youngest being the longest.
It was truly amazing to see them grow and thrive while I was doing what I felt I was made to do.
But towards the end of my youngest child's feeding journey I started to get the feeling of being 'All touched out ' .
I had a river of feelings and emotions flowing through me making me confused and on edge.
I'd never felt this way before.
I knew how much comfort my child felt by feeding from me but I also knew we had done an amazing job to get that far.I had this feeling following me around like a shadow, a feeling of wanting to be away from everyone, it was so strong I even wanted out of my own skin.
A cloud of demands silently above me.
At times I'm reminded of this feeling but for a different reason.
As I said I have three beautiful children, each different yet amazing...my nine year old son is severely autistic, a non verbal ray of sunshine.
But it's not easy caring for a disabled child. I wouldn't say it takes a special kind of person to do it because I'm not!
Far from it, I'm just a normal mum doing my best.
I do school runs, housework and cook, even walk the family dog. Just like every other person. Then I have other things to do like a constant stream of appointments to organise, prepare for and attend.
Mountains of paperwork to organise from therapy reports to EHCP.
I lift his wheelchair from the car and change nappies of a growing lad.
I deal with meltdowns and my sons self-harming.
I've learnt sign language and tried to teach my son to sign some words.Ordering adult sized nappies and therapy aids.
Helping my other children cope with their own emotions of having a disabled brother. .
Like many mothers in my position I've put this pressure on myself to be the perfect mum and keep on top of the house, family life and being a good wife while being a good carer.
Beating myself up if a job gets missed, yet always having a smile on my face as I couldn't bare if people saw how tired I was.
How ' All touched out ' I was feeling from the pressure and demands of being a mother and a special needs parent.
But you know what? I'm tired of trying to be the perfect mum!
I am a good mum!
I make mistakes and do things wrong at times.
I forgot jobs and even the odd appointment has slipped my over crowded mind but my children are cared for and very much loved with everything that I am.So who cares if I didn't do any washing yesterday or my children had a chip dinner Monday because I was exhausted.
So what if I don't get a chance to hoover today or I forgot to order more nappies?!
I'm still a good mum, my children are still cared for and smiling.
My son's care matters a whole lot more than hoovering and dust.
And maybe one day I'll put into practice what I so desperately want to do.
Ease the pressure I placed on myself and be happy with just being a good mum.
