Another Year, Another Birthday

My eldest son James turned 29yrs recently. That in itself feels unbelievable, I don’t feel old enough to have a 29yr old. Well, I say that but it’s not quite true, my body definitely feels old enough but mentally I don’t.

That said, I don’t have the innocence of youth I once had, I definitely feel somewhat battle scarred and have a very different outlook on life now compared to my younger days. I guess that’s what life does to you.

Times a funny thing.

I can recall so many events in James’ life with such clarity like it was yesterday. I lived twenty-nine years before James came into our lives and yet it feels like he has been here forever. Of course, I remember things I did before James was born and yet I can’t recall how it felt to be care free, to not always have the thought in the back of my mind of where is James, is he ok?

I’ve often read, and it’s true, that when you have a child with additional needs you go through a grieving process. You don’t realise it at the time because you’re so absorbed in your new baby and It doesn’t mean you love them any less but you have suddenly, unexpectedly found yourself plunged into a world you had never anticipated being in. You begin to experience things you had never imagined. From the moment you started to plan your family this was not what you had expected. I can say from personal experience that this grieving process, this adapting to your new life, this altering of your expectations can take many years.

Yours and your families’ experiences are very different to those of your friends.

Until James started school I had no friends who were going through anything like we were. The constant round of medical appointments and assessments, the chronic lack of sleep, the daily uncertainty of what James’ future may look like and the whole disruption and impact that caring for a child with profound needs had on us day to day and ultimately on our careers too.

Each birthday, each milestone brings about those familiar feelings of ‘what if.’ You see what your friends children are achieving, you see your younger children forging a future and career for themselves, enjoying all the opportunities life can offer them.

Just when you feel you might have finally reached a level of acceptance….

………something pops up to remind you that yours and your child’s life has been different. Not better, not worse, just different. Currently my friends children have begun to have families of their own. My friends are sharing their joy at becoming grandparents.

I am happy for them but I can’t say there’s not a tiny bit of me that’s envious of them cooing over baby scans and sharing pictures of them cradling their newborn grandchildren. All perfectly normal for most but just another reminder of what will never be for some of us.

I guess that ‘what if’ is never going to go away after all.