Self-regulation

The majority of us can self-regulate, we have learnt to do this as a normal part of our development in childhood. What I mean by that is that when we are angry, anxious, sad or any one of the gamut of emotions we all experience, we are able to manage our emotions and behaviours appropriately.

My 28-year-old son James, has a severe learning disability and autism. He struggles to regulate his emotions. He will have what some may see as a complete overreaction to something seemingly insignificant. To be honest sometimes we are not always aware of exactly what it is he is reacting to.

This is not just him having a ‘tantrum’. This is him in sensory overload or feeling anxious or overwhelmed or maybe trying to process something that is happening. He may react by screaming, shouting, lashing out and often becoming deeply distressed to the point he is sobbing.

This is a Meltdown.

For those of us who know and love James this can be distressing to see. For onlookers who do not understand the complexities of life for someone like James, they see someone who is behaving badly.

It is instinctive for loved ones in this situation to want to reach out and physically comfort the person in distress and to offer verbal reassurance. I can’t speak for others but I know that this is not what my son wants at this time.

What I have learned in my years as James’ parent is that where possible we can intervene before he reaches this level of distress. We can avoid possible or known triggers and we can distract him or remove him from situations where it is possible or appropriate to do so.

However, there is a point of no return.

Sometimes try as we might, this meltdown is going to happen and there is nothing we can do to prevent it. How do we help James then? This depends on where we are but if we are in a safe place we give him some physical space.

And this sounds awful and because I love him is actually hard to do but I don’t talk to him. If I talk to him when he is in such distress it just exacerbates the situation and actually then just prolongs his distress and believe me, I want it to be over in the quickest time possible. Not because it hurts me (though it does) or because I care what anyone else who is witnessing this thinks, but because I want him to be calm. I don’t want him to be upset.

I once read that physical touch and even speaking to someone who is feeling overwhelmed in this way can feel like a physical pain to them. I want to speak to my son, I want to hug him and more than anything I want to make everything better for him but most of all I do not want to inflict further pain on him.

I give him some space.

I give him some time, I remain where he can see me, I am open to him if he approaches me. As he calms, I will begin to talk to him quietly, slowly and calmly sometimes using gestures alone to engage him until he is ready for me to talk to him.

When he has calmed, and he really can be laughing two minutes later, we carry on as normal as if nothing has happened and I hope he doesn’t remember those moments of distress. And what I would like is that other people can take this on board, that they don’t see me not talking to my son or not comforting him but to understand that I am doing what is best for him and no one else matters in that moment.