The ever changing self

I have felt so much hurt and pain in my lifetime. I've been through abandonment, heartbreak, loss, family struggles and so much more.

These have all shaped me and changed me along the way. I mean we can never truly stay the same as everything around us changes from day to day.

Events, people, and experiences all contribute to our growth and our personality. Going to University, getting married, becoming a Christian, leaving home.

All these things helped form another version of myself contributing to who I am today.

That all being said, no change has been as dramatic and fast paced as becoming Mummy to a severely disbaled child with ongoing health needs.

Being a mother and carer to Zachariah has been my biggest change to date. More so the last 12 months.

I struggle to know who I am. I feel slow in the adaptations as I struggle to keep up with my own emotions throughout the change. I have lost more, but gained more over this period of time than ever before in my 29 years of life.

I have extreme highs, where I have so much to give. I feel on top of the world and feel purpose.

This summer has been a particular highlight, as I had my boy home with me,  felt in control.

We had fun together, we did new things, we relaxed together, and we stayed healthy! I felt I had the power to keep Zachariah well as I was his sole carer.

I knew everything and could intervene from just the smallest of symptoms.

I felt purpose of being his Mummy and carer, I knew what my role was and who I was meant to be.

Then came September. Second year of school. My boy, who I had spent so much time with was now going to be away from me 7 hours a day.

The walls literally came crashing into me, making me feel claustrophobic and anxious. I was in my head too much, I felt anxious as I thought about Zachariah at school. I lost my identity.

I began thinking about finding a hobby, finding a job.

As before the summer I had dropped everything due to the struggles of juggling everything, I needed time out as I began to feel traumatised from Zachariah's recent health scare, which I blamed myself for, as I took my eye of the game and became too busy to keep up with all of his needs.

I was exhausting myself. I still am!

I’m confused as to what I am meant to be doing with myself. Where do I begin? Who is Rochelle besides being Zachariah's Mummy and Tims Wife.

I feel like I have exhausted my friends with my constant need to feel worthy, I have become a bit too much for those around me, as the need to care for someone whilst Zachariah's in school is overwhelming.

I can’t get a job. I’d either be fired or I’d experience a huge mental breakdown.

I’m struggling to take up hobbies, as errands tend to get in the way or the walls come crashing again and I panic about leaving the house.

Friendship is all I need right now, and I will never take this for granted.

I know I’ll be OK. I know this is a season. And I know I am not the only one feeling this way. So please reach out to friendly face if you do and talk through it.

Find your identity once again, it’s there, it’s just ever changing.