When you Lose an Advocate

Victoria Tkachuk by Victoria Tkachuk Additional Needs

Victoria Tkachuk

Victoria Tkachuk

I'm from the Midwest region of the United States and I have four children, three neurotypical daughters and one son with dyskinetic cerebral palsy....

Nearly two years ago, I lost my dad. He was not very old, only nearing 70, and suffered a brain aneurysm that was fatal.

My parents had just visited two weeks' prior, so I am grateful for having seen him so recently, and having a goodbye of sorts.

This didn't make losing him any easier, but softened the blow.

Over two years I have learned to reach out to others and talk about the pain of loss.

I've found my role as a special needs mom prepared me for this; I understood having something very important taken away suddenly and unexpectedly, as my son suffered a brain injury during labor and has cerebral palsy as a result.

That one medical incident forever changed his life, mine and his father's, his siblings' and others'.

In moments, something was taken from him (being a neurotypical child) that can never be returned. It was a loss I felt deeply and struggled to accept.

My dad's passing was earth-shattering for me, but I was able to cope with it, I believe, much better than I would have without my son's experience.

What I wasn't prepared for was the waves of grief that came when I first realized my dad had been a huge supporter and advocate for my son.

The first time I realized this was when a casual thought passed through my mind about Henry's (my son) change from a crib to a bigger bed.

Oh, I remembered, my dad said he'd help me design one. Cue the sobbing.

For months afterward, just looking at Henry's crib would produce this effect.

Even talking to friends about making Henry's bed would prove too much to handle.

My dad – also named Henry, like his father before him – loved my little Henry so much.

He loved all my children so much, from the very start of each of their lives.

What made my dad's grandpa love so wonderful was that it wasn't specially bestowed on any of my kids; he loved them all the same, wanted to know and nurture them as individuals, and help makes their lives richer in any way possible.

He was the kind of grandpa to get right down on the floor and play with them.

Where Henry expressed apprehension as a baby with other adults, my dad was an exception.

He'd make funny faces at Henry and never shied away from helping him with physical tasks – although he'd always ask first if Henry wanted help.

That's a big deal to me; I much prefer people ask my son if he wants help than automatically doing things for him.

My dad always talked about my son to his colleagues and friends also.

My son was as much a presence in their lives as my father was, which is remarkable considering most of them never even met my son.

When we needed help paying Henry's medical bills, my dad circulated a funding campaign and donations came pouring in.

During March, or whenever something concerning CP came up in the news, my dad made a point to post articles on his social media and ask me questions. He put CP in front of other people, gave them solid information, and always spoke positively of my son (and me, for that matter).

Losing my dad felt like a crushing blow, not only to me but to my children.

I'm sad for my dad who won't see Henry and his sisters accomplish so much, do so much, be so much of who they are. And I'm sad for my kids that they won't have grandpa cheering them along the way.

Even writing this, it's almost too overwhelming to think about without tears.

However, I am so very thankful for his advocacy and the legacy of it.

If he has inspired one other person to think about physical disabilities, cognitive conditions and the real people behind those labels, he has done my son a great service.

To my dad – we love and miss you, and will carry on your advocacy in your absence, to honor you.

 

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