Growing our family – the adoption journey with a disabled daughter

“Do you think you’ll have another?” – a question we’ve been asked several times since having Heidi, especially in the first couple of years after she was born. People are well-meaning, but it was a hard one to answer, so I often dodged it with a “oh she keeps us on our toes enough”, or “maybe, we’ll see what fate has in store”.

Turns out fate decided that having another baby ourselves wasn’t part of the plan, and thankfully we were OK with that. As much as I would have loved to be pregnant again, I think the experience we had with Heidi (she suffered a Sudden Unexpected Postnatal Collapse during skin-to-skin time and had to be resuscitated) was too traumatic - my mind and body, subconsciously, decided not to risk going through it again.

It was Steve who first brought up the idea of adoption, and after a few conversations, I had to be honest and said that I didn’t think it was the right thing. We had a lot on with Heidi (her health wasn’t as stable as it is now), we were planning to move to an adapted house to meet her needs, I was focussing on setting up a charity, and I didn’t want to add any stress to our lives.

Why rock the boat if we didn’t have to?

Fast forward a couple of years and things were so much more settled- the idea popped back in my head. I started to think about a sibling for Heidi, and when my step dad was taken poorly and sadly passed away, I definitely had a reassess on life. Lots more chatting followed, weighing everything up, and both Steve and I agreed it felt right – for Heidi, for us, and hopefully the child who might join our family.

The first phone call to the adoption agency was bizarre: ”Hello, I’d like to…” I got completely stuck as it sounded like I was going to say “….order a child”! The person on the other end of the line was lovely, talked through everything and asked if I had any questions. I had one – would the fact that we had a disabled daughter be an issue? Of course, we didn’t think it would be (Heidi has brought more to our lives than we could have imagined), and we didn’t think the agency would think so, but it was reassuring to hear the person say that in fact it would be viewed positively.

So, our application to adopt began.

Our assigned social workers were great, and really took the time to understand our family, especially how Heidi is, how she communicates, and how they could get her input, which was so important. They were flexible with the mandatory training, and allowed me and Steve to do it separately, knowing that one of us had to be nearby at home for Heidi and to help with school transport.

It all went well, and throughout the (lengthy!) process we were very open about our family, how we deal with things, what matters most, and how we felt we would cope with another child.

The slight curve-ball came when a potential match was put forward for us to consider, for siblings. We hadn’t really talked about it much early on, but felt that there was something to explore with these children….I mean if you’re going to have one extra, you might as well have two, right? Joking aside, we knew how much harder it would be for siblings to find a forever family and also thought that two new members of Team Heidi could be a great thing, as they would have each other, with their shared experiences.

Our heads switched to two, and as we went to approval panel, we felt as positive as we could. The reports had been done, all our references had been checked (some going further back than I would have liked!), our credit references and criminal record checks were all fine, and of course we were already parents (even though sometimes we forgot that bit, as our parenting isn’t what many would see as “traditional’ – we don’t have to manage behaviours for example, or discipline in any way, Heidi’s a doddle and doesn’t answer back!).

The panel reached the unanimous decision to approve us as adopters, which was great news. The only issue was that their recommendation was that we could only cope with one other child.

They felt that Heidi’s medical needs were challenging, and that having two other children would be too much for us to deal with. Now saying that to any special needs’ parent is probably like lighting the blue touch paper. I felt so defensive – Heidi isn’t challenging…yes, she has extra medical needs, but she is all we know, and she is well. Give me a tracheostomy or gastrostomy and I’m fine, give me a baby who needs a bottle or winding and I wouldn’t have a clue! I also felt that if me and Steve had had another baby or babies ourselves, no-one would have checked in on us to see if we were coping ok or needed any help.

It felt like we were being judged, and I guess that’s because we were.

Funny how things turn out though. Our social worker was such a great advocate for us, and after various calls and meetings, the decision was that the siblings who had been discussed as a matched, would still be considered for placement with us.

Of course, things didn’t go to plan – we never follow the rules! Instead of the months to prepare and do carefully managed introductions, there was a very quick turnaround of a couple of days, from a phone call of “you don’t have to say yes, but….” explaining that their foster placement needed to change at short notice, to me and Steve saying it was a complete no-brainer, they were to move in with us that week.

It's been 5 months now, as a family of 5, and we wouldn’t change it for the world. Heidi has taken to the noise and chaos so well, the little ones had a lovely connection with her from the get-go and will only know kindness and inclusion as they grow together, and we are more than coping (a bit more sleep wouldn’t go amiss but we can’t have everything!).

If you are considering adoption, be prepared for a long and sometimes intrusive process, but remember how much you have to offer. It’s all so worth it.