The Sleepover

Every few weeks and on special occasions my son comes for a sleepover. This has been the routine for nearly five years since he moved from our family home into his own supported accommodation flat. When I look back now those first few sleepovers weren’t easy. I guess it was new to us all and to be honest they exhausted me.

James is incredibly demanding of my time and attention and always has been. Within a normal family home and with his younger brother to care for too, this was often very stressful. Unable to always give him my attention when he wanted it, James often displayed challenging behaviours. At times it was distressing for all of us.

Now no longer living with us, his visits are very much about being able to spend quality time with him. Other than cooking, and I keep that to a minimum when James is here, I no longer need to be doing other household chores or caring for his now 26 yr old brother! Instead, James does pretty much have my undivided attention and that’s the way he likes it. That generally keeps him happy and has considerably reduced those challenging behaviours.

I want his time with us to be Happy.

Those first few sleepovers though were exhausting. I guess James was making readjustments and fitting in each time he visited. Not that its ever felt like he didn’t fit in but his routine is different here to how it is at his home. I certainly have to readjust when he is here because I’ve got used to going about my business without him constantly being by my side. I’ve got used to being able to have a shower when I want to and go to bed when I want to but when James is here everything very much has to fit in with him.

During those early sleepovers James often woke very early in the morning. I’d get him up and we’d be downstairs whilst I’d leave his dad and brother in bed. It’d still be dark outside and I’d be playing with James and struggling to keep my eyes open as I’d barely had a few hours sleep myself. I’d get to bed very late having done his last gastrostomy feed and even when my head did hit the pillow, I’d be very conscious of him being here and listening out for him so didn’t sleep well. Often waking in the early hours I’d lay awake listening for him to stir.

I was too tired to enjoy his company

It would genuinely be a struggle getting through the day until it was time to take him home. I felt guilty and disappointed that I couldn’t enjoy his visits to the fullest because I was so tired. He was often tired too but would resist sleep.

Skip forward a few years and his sleepovers work like a dream – though I’ve found to my cost that more than two nights on the trot are still exhausting. We’ve settled into a pattern and he slips straight into our new routine when he is here. Having said that we do things differently now. When he wakes, still always around 6am, I’ll go into his room and we snuggle up together in bed. I’d never have done this when he lived here because it just wouldn’t have been sustainable every day but now, on the odd morning it’s fun. We lay in bed and watch his digital photo frame or look at pictures on my phone. We sing (quietly!) and just have fun together. I love it and it gives everyone else chance to get an extra hours sleep. Then when James has had enough or I decide it’s time, I’ll go and call his dad to give him a bath while I head downstairs to prepare his medication and gastrostomy feed and if I’m lucky, I get time to have a quick cuppa before James is down.

I’m still tired as I don’t sleep well when James is here, I’ll wake and suddenly remember he’s in the house and I’ll be listening for him but I’m not so exhausted that I can’t enjoy that time with him and the difference now is I know I can put my feet up when he’s gone home.