A Special Needs Mum’s Inner Monologue…

Ceri-Ann Brown by Ceri-Ann Brown Additional Needs

Ceri-Ann Brown

Ceri-Ann Brown

My name is Ceri-Ann Brown and I live in Stockport, Manchester. I live with the love of my life Phil, my amazing daughter (Amy-Rose) and my giant gu...

I was contemplating this thought the other day and concluded that if I were to do this I would be one very lonely girl with possibly even some restraining orders thrown my way.

Why do we do it to ourselves? (Unless of course you don't, in which case go you!)

I am consistently horrible to myself in so many ways.

It would seem my inner monologue really has it in for me majority of the time.

"You're not doing enough, you're overweight, you're not worth anything, you complain too much and everyone is sick of you" and so on.

It is unrelenting and miserable.

I spend a lot of time wishing I had time to myself to relax but the reality is that as soon as I am alone I obsessively do chores and errands whilst internally berating myself.

I would say that this year is the heaviest I have ever been, it is also the worst my skin has ever been, and the year of the most doctors appointments for myself ever.

I think everything has really taken its toll on me this year - the miscarriages, the hospital visits, Amy's appointments and therapies, the admin/paperwork/phone calls, the equipment, the housing issues, just about everything.

I would love to say I am taking things in my stride and treating each new day as a blessing but right now I am one headache away from curling up in a ball and shunning all responsibility.

Yesterday as I picked my daughter up from nursery I could barely lift myself out of the car I was so exhausted.

Why did I do so much housework?

Why didn't I just take some time to breathe and calm down instead of getting all worked up?

I really wanted to take her to the park after nursery but I just couldn't muster up the energy and motivation for it.

I suppose most parents release their child into the park and the lifting isn't as intensive.

I come away from trips to the park ready for bed rest and painkillers!

But I want to try and do it whilst I can, as I know that a few years from now these trips probably won't be possible (unless we start taking a portable hoist with us for the slide or I develop super strength).

I just couldn't do it.

The voice again telling me, you don't do enough for her, you're a rubbish mother, you're not cut out for this, you're barely awake enough to sing right now.

I promised myself two days in a row now that I would go to the GP.

I know they don't love it when you turn up with multiple ailments, but something has to give when you spend life booking and attending appointments for your child!

My back is sore, my eczema flare up will not go away (probably an infection again, sigh), and mentally I am drained - no matter how much rest I get I am absolutely shattered.

It makes me feel like I am lazy or doing something wrong.

And yet, I eat my 5 a day, I do at least 30 minutes walking a day (and a lot of lifting!!), I talk about my problems and so on.

I feel like the doctor will just adjust my medication or recommend something like pilates (which I am actually doing tonight with my mum for the first time ever, cue social anxiety).

I would love to put less pressure on myself, not take things to heart, not get too bogged down with it all.

I would.

But it isn't happening.

People often say it is your attitude that dictates events and in person I can be very cheery and friendly, but inside I am so sad and tired.

It is a cliche, but if I can't care for myself how can I be expected to care for my child?

My child who is 100% fully dependent on me.

It is a huge amount of pressure.

When I complain like this I feel immense guilt... this isn't her fault, this is just how things are.

We get amazing support from both nursery and respite, I should be feeling well rested and organised but I am just not.

Is anyone else like this?

What would you recommend? Have you suffered chronic stress or anxiety?

Did you overcome it?

I want to look back on these posts in years to come and think wow, I got through it, and things are so much better now. I am happy, I am blessed.

I have an amazing partner, and daughter, and support network, sometimes I think you do just need a good whinge to let it all out.

The way I do care for myself now is to try and drink more water, have more healthy food, exercise a bit more, try new things and not isolate myself, help others, write more, read more (really need to work on that), and spend more time focusing on my relationship with Phil (he works such long hours that sometimes I feel like I miss him even though I see him everyday).

I hope the voice you have in your head is kind to you and acknowledges all of the great things you do.

This is something that I am really trying hard to work on because I know how damaging it is for my already low self-esteem.


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