Goodbyes can be hard

Saying goodbye to those we love isn’t always easy. We say it often to our partners or our children knowing that we will see them after school or later in the day. We say it to our families and friends knowing we will see them in a few days or weeks.

I say goodbye to my son James at least twice every week, often more. He lives in supported accommodation and I usually know when I say goodbye when I am next going to see him. It doesn’t make it easier though.

James isn’t big on hugs.

When I say goodbye to him, I hug him and kiss him and tell him when I will see him. Sometimes the hugs are reciprocated more than others, mostly they are brief. I don’t know if he understands when I tell him that it’ll be two days until I see him, if he has any concept of time. I don’t know if he feels loved or abandoned.

The hardest of Goodbyes.

By far the hardest of goodbyes, not counting those when I have left him in an operating theatre, was the day he moved into his supported accommodation home. The planning and preparation leading up to his move had been long and complicated by covid lock downs.

Thinking about the day when we left him in his flat for the first time and I said goodbye still reduces me to tears now and yet it was nearly four years ago. He was fine of course. I went home and collapsed into a heap and sobbed.

I don’t do that anymore but it’s still hard.

James comes to our house twice every week for visits, we take him out at the weekends and he comes for regular sleepovers. He’s with us for all the family occasions, birthdays, Christmas and New Year and we take him away on holiday every year too.

It’s those times he has spent longer with us that I find the hardest saying goodbye and leaving him. I’m not going to lie, a few days with James and I’m shattered. I’m definitely ready for a rest.

James came to stay for a couple of days over Christmas.

There were eight of us at our house for Christmas including my parents, sister and partner. All of James’ favourite people were there and he loves to spend time with them. That said he can sometimes find these occasions a little hectic and overwhelming. This year he had the loveliest time. He was so happy.

We took James home the day after Boxing Day. As I hugged him and said goodbye, I choked back the tears and as I got into the car one or two may have trickled down my face. I knew then that I’d be seeing him just 3 days later but it still hurt. I think it always will.