How lucky I am to be your Mummy

If you’ve read any of my other blogs, firstly thank you.

I am always genuinely amazed when I get messages saying “your blog really resonated with me” etc.

Apart from the fact I find this cathartic, I love talking about my kids.

But, Jacob, this one is all for you (albeit future you!).

I hope one day when you’re old enough you will read this (I’ll probably bribe you with chocolate but whatever works eh?!) and understand just how much you mean to me and of course your entire family.

Where do I begin?

You, your brother and sister were our little miracle triplet “ICSI pixies”, meaning a team of incredible doctors and nurses helped us to have you.

You were loved, wanted and treasured before you were even in my tummy.

I remember so vividly telling friends and family that we were expecting triplets and the absolute joy we felt that you were coming into our lives at last.

Then we found out you had spina bifida.

We hurt, I want to be clear about that.

But sweetheart, we hurt for you.

As someone with Multiple Sclerosis and a nurse, I knew the challenges you may face with your condition and no parent wants that for their child.

In saying that, spina bifida messed with the wrong family!

You have a team behind you who love you so deeply they’ll never be able to tell you (as they love Ben and Chloe too!).

One of the first things people told us when we started to share this difficult news was “I’ll be right there the whole time”.

That’s proved true for so many people.

You have a family who love you for exactly who you are, especially your brother and sister.

There is a saying I tell you even now when you are only six that says “If you want to know how to treat a child with special needs, watch their siblings.” It is so true.

Ben and Chloe accept you fully for exactly who you are because that’s who we love, flaws and all.

You see we are all flawed, it is just unique to each person.

For example, MS aside, Daddy says I can be a bit “nit picky” with details...I’ll leave you to work out whether he is right or not! (Remember that chocolate Jacob…)

Despite that, there are people who I thought would be with us for the long haul who have left, for varying reasons.

You see, having a child with additional needs (as part of a set of triplets!) when you yourself have a disability yourself doesn’t exactly come with a guide.

I did a lot of things wrong.

I am sorry for that because in losing those friends I also lost their children, who inevitably would have been friends for you.

Some people couldn’t handle the level of pain I felt when you were going through prolonged struggles and wanted me to be something I wasn’t.

We lost them too.

I am sorry Jacob, I wish I could offer you a whole army of ready made friends because that is exactly what you deserve.

However, we found support in new people.

As I write this we are in lockdown three during the covid-19 pandemic that I am sure you will read all about someday and vaguely remember the days mummy stumbled through homeschooling!

My cousins and I have got back in touch and are using an app called “Marco Polo” which allows us to send video messages to each other.

They are a great support to me which in turn allows me to be a better Mummy for you.

I also have a dear friend who has been there through thick and thin and now has a beautiful second born daughter who I am sure you will grow up to play with whenever all the restrictions are lifted.

There are also the friends we have made through spina bifida, you’ll know who I mean in a lovely little girl who is very close to your age and has similar health challenges.

You are about to start a new school, but are leaving behind a literal classroom full of friends who will miss you so much.

My own Mum loves me as I love you (and I love her right back in return, she is incredible).

She taught me how to love, and it is because of her I am able to be the Mummy I am to you.

I need more help than I’d like to do things and I know you even currently feel the same and will face that all your life.

Jacob please listen to this especially...needing help is NOT a weakness and it takes great strength to know how and when to ask for help.

I hope I teach you that so that you can live your best life.

I love you so much little man and want to thank you for the journey you are taking me on.

I’d take your pain away in a second but I couldn’t imagine changing anything else about you.

To me, you are my perfect little boy.

Thank you for being exactly who you are sweetheart, I love you to the moon and back, as well as all the stars in the sky.

Love always, Mummy xxx